in the middle of the street…. (do you remember that tune?)

I have a house, it is a nice house and it is a new house but I don’t feel like I have a home. There is a difference you know.

Back in the summer we built a rather large home to house both my ever-expanding family and my in-law’s under one roof. (Over 5,000 sq ft including the basement) You’d think I’d be happy to own such a nice new house….

Our agreement with my in-law’s is that they would have the main floor as their apartment and we would have the upper floor for our bedrooms and then the basement would be for our living space, i.e. our kitchen, living room and kid’s playroom. Sounded like a good plan to me… when I thought I’d be moving into a finished home.

We moved in the end of August with 3 kids and a 1 week old baby just to turn around a couple of days later to go on a vacation which turned into a month long trek across the country in our newly acquired RV. We came home with great expectations of getting started on our part of the house, (we had taken the flooring credit so we needed to do that ourselves and we needed to finish the basement ourselves as well) when my hubby’s mom passed away, in his arms – in their bedroom, on Friday, October 7th, 2005. We all went into shock and began the long journey of missing her, it is still weird not to see her around or hear her voice… my children are missing their Grandma (my mom – my kids Nana – lives 5,000 kilometers away from us, so this was their full-time Grandma)

K, I’m getting lost in tears….

So, needless to say – we didn’t get started on the flooring or the basement. Now it is February 14th (Happy Valentine’s Day) and we are still sharing Dad’s main floor apartment for cooking and eating our meals. My kid’s play in their bedroom but don’t have all of their toys out of storage yet. We watch TV in either my bedroom or in the make-shift living room my hubby put together in the basement after I had a mild emotional breakdown a couple of weeks ago… My kid’s are young and they can be loud at times. I try to keep them away from Dad’s space as much as possible. I find myself yelling at them about being kids. The word, “SSSSHHHH” is heard the most around here. It is stressful. At times I just want to leave – go to a hotel, rent an apartment or just drive around the block to be able to cry in peace. I have done that more in the last couple of months than I’d like to be known…

So when will my house be a home? I’m not saying that walking on bare floors and getting slivers makes it a house not a home either. I don’t feel like I am home. I have had no urge to decorate it – which, if you know me – is odd. I stare at bare white walls (with the lousiest paint job you’ve ever seen), particle board flooring and naked windows (no trim anywhere either) and feel nothing. I don’t even look through the piles of decorating magazines that come to my door on a monthly basis. I don’t feel like this place belongs to me.

Everyone asks, “When will this be done?” (mostly family wondering when we’ll be out of Dad’s space so that he can also enjoy himself). The truth is… I have no clue! We have no extra money coming in to save or pay for this. Every penny goes to bills or to food. My hubby hasn’t received a paycheque in the last two weeks. Thank goodness I’m collecting money for being on maternity leave… but that too ends in only a few months. We could get a loan and finish the house and then I would be happy because my kids could play and make a mess whenever they wanted to, I wouldn’t be yelling at them to stop being kids, I could invite friends over anytime for dinner and not feel like I was invading someone else’s space. I could feel free…. but only for a moment because then I would definitely have to go back to work.

We moved… again… so that I wouldn’t have to do that. So that I could stay home and raise our 4 darling little ones. So that I could be available for tea with friends. So that I could be available to go with my hubby to conferences. So that I could be there for our church.

I want to have a home. Is it all in my mind? I can’t think too clearly these days. Should I suck it up and wait until we get it done, piece by piece – cupboard by cupboard or do I get a loan and get it done and then make a trip to my boss for a work schedule and a set of keys to my old office??????

Or someone could plead my case with Debbie Travis’ show, Facelift….